Author Archives: زينة كمورا السناطي | Zina Kamoura

The Coming Messiah – Part II

Category : English Posts , Short Story

My parents wanted to have the biggest party ever to celebrate my brother’s birth. Why not? Is not that what they were praying and hoping for through many years? They were no longer considered to be the abnormal family. The son they had now had changed their status to a “normal family”. After all, he is the one who will carry on the family name. As this little child would grow, he would become more familiar, not just with his privileges, but also his responsibilities as a first-born son. Let us not get distracted and worried about the future of this little boy. Let us first celebrate his birth which brought hundreds of people to the party that evening. In reality, even my parents told me the number of guests attending did not exceed a hundred people, but I did not want to change the number in my recollection of this event, because, for my understanding as a child, hundreds was any number larger than ten. At least it felt this way to me at that time.

All of my cousins, relatives and friends were invited to join us to celebrate my brother’s birth. There were many people attending that day. AS children, Most of them we did not know. In fact, our guests knew that my dad, teacher Luke, had a bunch of girls, but finally God had granted him a boy who would carry on his father’s name. At the celebration, some people were dancing. Children were playing, and men were playing games and having fun. The women were cooking and preparing all kinds of delicious foods. My four sisters and I were allowed to eat and do whatever we liked since we had not had this kind of gathering for many years. Everyone was super happy. All the men and women were dancing the traditional Chaldean dance, with loud music playing.

Months and years went by while this little boy grew. We needed to take care of him and protect him, so when he grew up he would provide for us what we could not provide for ourselves. Not because we were incapable, but simply because we were girls. That in itself should communicate a lot about our culture and the way we were raised. We loved this boy so much, we wanted to be around him continually. We would dress him up in our dresses and we sometimes put makeup on him. My mother would laugh at the way we were entertaining and interacting with my brother. However, she would rebuke us for not behaving. It was her fear of raising a spoiled child. She wanted him to be a type of child who would be prepared for the task, which was assigned to him as an older son.


Culturally speaking, when someone has a son, people refer to the parents as the father or the mother of their oldest son. Therefore, my dad was called Abu Ammar and my mother was called Oum Ammar, which refer to the father and the mother of Ammar. Ammar is my brother’s name. For almost ten years prior to my brother’s birth, my parents were called by the name of my oldest sister. That kind of privilege was taken from my oldest sister without even having a discussion with her about it. I remember hearing some neighbors talking to my parents about their decision to automatically change their name. They were saying that is not fair. For our neighbors it did not make any sense to be called by my brother’s name, just because he is a boy. Honoring the tradition was more important than evaluating the ramifications of these traditions than to see which could have negative consequences.

My parents were super thrilled about having a son. However, they got anxious too. They felt they needed to have another son to help with their family responsibility. Here they were again putting themselves under the same kind of stress they had experienced for many years, while they were waiting for their first baby boy to be born.

The complete number of children my parents had was nine living children not counting the two babies who died at an early age and the one baby my mom miscarried. What are the genders of the three children who would be joining this family and thus make my parents feel satisfied with what God has blessed them with? That is what we will find out through this journey.


The Coming Messiah – Part I

Category : English Posts , Short Story

As a family we were all longing and expecting a victorious birth of a son to come into our lives, to satisfy our needs and fulfill our dreams. The child who would bring hope and joy, and give us a purposeful life, as Jesus did for all humanity. The birth of a son into Arabic culture brought with it the expectations of a “savior”, the one who would protect, carry on the family name and provide for our needs.

In the summer of 1979, my mom was expecting to give birth to her sixth child. She was feeling extremely different this time. She was positive that she would have a boy. Her doctor, however, could not confirm her feeling of being pregnant with a boy, even though, Baghdad was the best place for people to have access to modern technology. But still, the sonar device to detect the sex of the fetus had not been invented yet. Wouldn’t it be great for my mom and many other women at that time, to be able to know for sure the gender of their babies previously?
The colors of my mother’s feelings had to stay neutral just as it was for her baby’s clothes colors, all also neutral. Although she had plenty of pink colored clothes, she dreamed of buying clothes in blue colors, just for one time in her life. My mom had to preserve her hopes and the excitement of having a boy to herself only. She also needed to be satisfied and fully prepared to have her sixth daughter.

In the middle of that night, my mother felt it was the time to deliver her baby. My dad hurried to ask our neighbor to meet him at the hospital. They then rented a taxi. When they arrived at the hospital, my mom was taken immediately into the labor and delivery room. The only person who would be allowed to join her was her neighbor. My dad had to wait in the outer corridor.

Every hour of that day felt like a year for my dad while he was waiting anxiously, thinking about my mother’s health condition and what she might bring to him, the first son or the sixth daughter. His level of excitement and fear was interrupted by every sound he heard. The seven hours he waited outside that labor room, forced him to pray and pray and also to promise God that he would do this and that, if He would grant him with a boy. Finally, the smiling face and the excited gestures of our neighbor were enough to release all the emotions my dad had at that time. He could not believe his neighbor saying to him “It is a boy, it is a boy, congratulations, and it is a boy.” Since our neighbor was the first one who brought the good news of having a boy to my dad, she would definitely deserve a very precious gift. My parents later joyfully gave her a golden ring as part consistent with our traditions and customs.

Now the whole family was waiting for the “coming savior “to be born, which in this case was my brother. The joy we had as a family and the preparation my parents had to welcome this child, felt like celebrating Jesus’ birth– the one who would rebuild the family reputation and give honor to his mother. Without him, my mother was not a complete woman. In fact, she would stay in shame for not being able to become pregnant with a boy. Now my father could go to spend some time and have fun with his friends and cousins at the coffee shop with his chin held high, feeling a sense of pride.

For us, the five sisters, we felt safe. Why? Because we had a brother who could protect us. I remember us sitting around my little brother waiting for him to wake up so we could play with him. The sense of joy he brought to our family was beyond any words. At our early age we did not fully understand why everyone was happy, but we felt the burden fall off my parent’s shoulders. They were more joyful to be around and the whole home was more peaceful.

“He is smiling.” “He is yawning.” “Mom, he is hungry” and ‘he wants to eat,”
Mom is yelling from the kitchen. “Girls leave your brother alone. He just had his bath and he needs to sleep.” How could anyone see this most beautiful baby and not be around him all the time? He was chunky and very cute. My mother’s attempts to get us distracted by asking for our help to take care of the household chores was not successful. She was definitely happy for us and wanted to give us our space and time to enjoy being with our brother. However, she was running out of patience. She had to use another method in order for us to listen and complete our chores and get things done. My mother had to pull out her assistant stick and the outcome was helpful to scatter us so that my brother could sleep in peace.


Five Daughters & No Son – Part II

Category : English Posts , Short Story

The political situation in northern Iraq was not stable. Tension between the Iraqi government and the Kurds was increasing. Kurds wanted their own independence apart from Iraq. They showed this by being rebellious against the government, which only created a chaotic environment and made it hard for my family to have an appropriate and safe life. Even though my dad was earning a good living, still he couldn’t risk the unpredictability of the political situation any more. He needed to think big. Nothing seemed bigger than moving to Baghdad, the capital, where he could give his family a better life. Bagdad in the late seventies was flourishing in every aspect. There were a lot of opportunities to work in better schools and that is what happened for my father later on.

With every baby girl came additional burdens. The burdens were a combination of different feelings of fear, anxiety, shame and loneliness. My parents are the most kind and loving people you can ever imagine. That is not just how all of my siblings and myself view them, but also everyone who has met them and knows them personally, including their sons and daughter in law. The culture, however, and the environment they grew up in was very harsh. Culture and traditional expectations have been rooted deeply for hundreds of years and it is so hard to change or even modify them. Honoring and keeping the cultural traditions that we inherited without questioning could easily turn out to be the god we worship.

My parent’s hope of having a son was vanishing with every birth of a girl. That put them under the pressure of proving themselves worthy enough. As the song lyrics say: “You are nobody, until somebody loves you.” In my parent’s case, the song’s lyrics went like this: “You are nobody until you have a son”. For my siblings and me the song would be “You are nobody until you have a brother”. Unfortunately, the negative version of this song “you are nobody until… and you fill in the blank, is shared by almost every culture and generation.

In my stories, I will be sharing several occasions where this kind of negative mentality would fit in an individual’s way of thinking and feeling. Solicitude of having a boy manifested itself in both a positive and negative manner. When we were children, we did not really grasp what it meant to have a brother or not. What we felt was we would be seriously unfit and vulnerable as sisters with no brother. Showing favoritism toward boys was the norm. We used to hear people around us reminding us of our unfit state of not having a brother who would care for our needs.

Studies and research have shown that children from an early age can sense their parent’s anxiety and fear. Our attachment style toward my parents, to others, and the world, has been influenced by that. Some people would manifest their attachment style by being angry, others by crying all the time. My attachment style, however, was by showing affection to my parents, especially to my dad.

 


Five Daughters & No Son – Part I

Category : English Posts , Short Story

Arab families are generally patriarchal so having five daughters in a row was a continuing pressure on my parents for many years. With every pregnancy, my mother would pray and even fast to become pregnant with a boy. She actually had her first baby boy after having two girls, and my mother felt great relief. She could relax now and be confident again of her ability to give birth to a boy. She could plan a party and almost everybody in the village would be invited. Well, in reality, whoever heard about the great news of Kamoura’s could join the party and celebrate without waiting for the invitation.

Unfortunately, the joy my parents experienced did not last for long. In the early seventies, Iraq had very limited resources to cure and fight disease, so my little brother died when he was a few months old and my parent’s dream of having a son died with him. My mother was in deep sorrow. The entire village came to pay their respects to my parents. Believe me, as harsh as this sounds, if one of my sisters had passed away, not many would feel obligated to come and be with my parents to comfort them. Why? Because most simply felt and also said, “It is okay. Don’t be sad. You have other girls,” as if mothers could determine or regulate their emotions based on the gender of their child.

After my brother died, it was my turn to be born into this world without knowing that my parents wished and hoped to have a boy. It seemed like my dad gave up. He wanted to name me Zain, which is actually a boy’s name, but my mom did not like that name so my parents named me Zina. My parents told me that as a young child, I was very kind to them and I tried to gain their favor. I was very attached to my dad and wanted to go with him wherever he went, since he used to travel often in his position as a teacher. I sometimes wonder why I was so connected to my dad. It could be that I felt the burden he had about not having a son and I wanted to comfort him and let him know everything would be alright. My dad was highly respected by everyone not just because he was a wonderful man, but also because he was a teacher. Being a teacher in the early seventies was considered a top-notch career. However, people around my father felt sorry for him because he did not yet have a son.

I remember my father telling me once that my mom was pregnant with her fourth child. When it came the time to deliver, my dad was out of town and nobody could reach him. Cell phones and Facebook were not invented at that time. On his way home, one of my dad’s cousins saw him and asked him to join his family for a meal. That was a custom and still is, since hospitality is a big part of our culture. At that time people used to travel long distances to get to their jobs. Public transportation was not always available so by the time he got home he would be very exhausted. His cousin was about to tell him the bad news, but he wanted my dad to get some rest and eat first; he then told my dad that my mother had another girl and asked my dad to not be sad. My dad’s response was, “Girl or boy, that is what God’s will is and I am thankful that my wife and the baby are in good health.”

“End of part 1”


Counseling History

Category : Articles , English Posts

Counseling History

Counseling meets all the standards for a profession and has done so for a significant period of time. It is unique from, as well as connected with, other mental health disciplines by both its emphases and at times its history. Counseling emphasizes growth as well as remediation over the course of a life span in various areas of life: childhood, adolescence, adulthood, and older adulthood. Counselors within the counseling profession specialize in helping individuals, couples, groups, families, and social systems that are experiencing situational, developmental, and long- or short-term problems. Counseling’s focus on development, prevention, wellness, and treatment makes it attractive to those seeking healthy life-stage transitions and productive lives.

By understanding counseling’s past, you may better appreciate present and future trends of the profession.
Throughout human history, individuals have been either receiving or giving counseling through informal means by listening to the problems and struggles of those around them and offering valuable advice. Through sharing struggles with other caring individuals, people have been better equipped to see solutions that they might not have seen otherwise. Through the years, the discipline of counseling has emerged as a legitimate field offered by trained professionals helping those struggling with issues of depression and other strains inherent in modern society.

Counseling as a profession grew up during the Industrial Revolution, when the population began moving from the country to the city. Frank Parsons, a social activist, founded the vocational guidance movement in 1906 by identifying ways to determine a person’s vocational interests to better fit within an industrial society. He believed that “if a man is doing work for which he has a natural fitness and an adequate preparation…he has the foundation for a useful and happy life.”

Sigmund Freud:hith-10-things-sigmund-freud-501585595-e

A neurologist from Vienna, Austria, achieved recognition as the father of psychoanalysis. He developed a method of using various therapeutic techniques, including interpretation of dreams, to determine what was happening in his patients’ subconscious. He did not see the need for medical training before practicing psychoanalysis, and briefly taught Alfred Adler and others his method before they in turn became psychoanalysts.

In the United States, Abraham Brill, who translated many of Freud’s works into English, argued that psychoanalysts should be medically trained. In 1926, New York State declared psychoanalysis without medical training to be illegal.
Due in large part to the American aversion to practicing therapy without a medical degree, Carl Rogers, a psychologist, espoused the term “counseling”, a term that was originally attributed to Frank Parsons in 1908. However, the word “counseling” did not come in to everyday usage until the 1960’s.

As a general rule, psychotherapy currently implies long term therapy, while counseling work often refers to shorter term sessions. In the United States these two terms are often used simultaneously; however, guidance counseling is considered separately as the focus is on career related issues instead of psychological issues.
1900s Some counselors still practice focusing on problem avoidance and promotion over all mental health, but the profession involves so much more than that. Counseling should focus on wellness, development, mindfulness, meaningfulness and remediation of mental disorders is the hallmark of counseling for individuals, couples, groups and families across the life span.

Modern psychological therapies

Modern psychological therapies trace their history back to the work of Sigmund Freud in Vienna in the 1880s. Trained as a neurologist, Freud developed a method of psychoanalysis, where individuals shared their struggles with someone trained in interpreting the ‘subconscious’ , that part of our psyche that influences what we do. Freud did not see the need for medical training, but taught Alfred Adler, and others his method before they in turn became psychoanalysts. However. iIt was largely in response to the US prejudice against lay therapists that Carl Rogers adopted the word ‘counseling’, originally used by Parsons in 1908. Freud played an important part in the history of counselling but the actual word “counselling” did not come in to everyday language until the 1960’s.

Psychotherapy currently implies longer-term work (even though some psychotherapists offer brief therapy) and ‘counselling’ often refers to shorter term work (even though some counsellors may work with clients for years). The two terms are commonly used interchangeably in the US, with the obvious exception of ‘guidance counseling’, which is often provided in educational settings and focuses on career and social issues.
Although psychological therapies trace their history back to the contributions of Freud, many modern approaches to counselling and psychotherapy are now much more firmly grounded in other bodies of thought.

The Counselling vs. Psychotherapy Divide

As a psychologist, Rogers was not originally permitted by the psychiatry profession to call himself a ‘psychotherapist’. Ironically, Rogers himself became renowned as one of the most influential empirical scientists in the fields of psychology and psychiatry, introducing rigorous scientific methods to psychology and psychotherapy that psychoanalysts themselves had long resisted (and, in the view of many, still largely resist today). He became a joint Professor in the Departments of Psychology and Psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin as well as Head of the Psychotherapy Research Section of the Wisconsin Psychiatric Institute.

In the field as it now stands, the argument as to whether counselling differs significantly from psychotherapy is largely academic. Those from psychodynamic traditions sometimes equate ‘psychoanalysis’ and ‘psychotherapy’ — suggesting that only psychoanalysts are really psychotherapists — but this view is not common anywhere else.

Counselling and Psychotherapy Today

Modern counselling and psychotherapy have benefited tremendously from the empirical tradition which was given such impetus by Carl Rogers, even though the research agendas of psychology and counselling have diverged greatly over the last half century. Additional work in cognitive psychology, learning theory and behaviour has informed many therapeutic approaches. The richness of the bodies of both empirical and theoretical work which are now available, coupled with the raw complexity of human beings, has led to a profusion of different approaches to the field.

By some accounts, the different strands of counselling and psychotherapy now number in the hundreds. Mainstream approaches, however, are much fewer in number, and over time it is likely that many of the less well-grounded schools of thought will fade away, while more new ones will emerge to take their place. While the main approaches continue to develop, and others appear and then fade away, clients are left to choose for themselves what might be best for them. Hopefully the information provided by this site (incomplete though it very definitely is!) will be of some help in this process.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

– Historical and Professional Foundations of Counseling
– http://www.counsellingtutor.com/
– http://counsellingresource.com/

 


الإرشاد النفسي بين المعروف والمجهول

جميعنا في وقت من الأوقات نشعر بأن مشاكل الحياة ومصاعبها أحياناً أكثر مما نحتمل، بالرغم من أن طبيعة المجتمع العربي الذي نعيش فيه يوفر في الكثير من الأوقات الدعم والتشجيع الذي نحتاجه. فمن منا لا يتكلم عن ضغوطات حياته والمواقف الصعبة التي يواجهها في العمل مع الأهل والأصدقاء، فمن خلال تعاملنا مع الآخرين وامتزاجنا في المجتمع بالإضافة إلى وجود أشخاص نثق بهم نشعر بأنه قد لا تحل مشاكلنا ولكن على الأقل نجد آذاناً صاغية من صديق أو شخص ما في العائلة.

ترابطنا الأسري وأهمية العلاقات في حياتنا جانب إيجابي مهم في توفير الطمأنينة والشعور بأنك لست وحدك في مجابهة التحديات.

ولكن الكثير من الناس حولك يشتكون من أمور تقلق نومهم وتسبب لهم التوتر، وأحياناً كثيرة نحاول تخفيف آلامنا في مجابهة تحدياتنا بأن نقول لبعضنا “اللي يسمع مصبية غيره تهون عليه مصيبتهُ “وهذا الكلام فيه الكثير من الصحة؛ فمن خلال هذه النظرة وتبنّي هذا المبدأ نساهم في تشجيع أنفسنا ولكن هل حُلت العقدة؟ وهل وجدتَ ضالتك عندما تكتفي بذلك؟ أم تعود للتفكير مراراً وتكراراً وتحاول تغيير حياتك أو حتى الظرف الذي تمر به ولكن دون جدوى. وهنا تأتي أهمية وجود شخص مختص ذي خبرة عالية يعمل معك لتحقيق أهدافك في الحياة والتخلص من عبء وثقل المشاكل التي تمر بِها.

علاقة المرشد بطالب المساعدة هي علاقة مبنية بالدرجة الأولى على السرية التامة التي تجعل إمكانية انفِتاح طالب المساعدة فيما يخص بأموره الشخصية والتي يصعب عليه مشاركتها مع الآخرين أسهل وأكثر فاعلية.

يلجأ الفرد عادة إلى طلب الإرشاد عندما يواجه أموراً صعبة لا يستطيع كتمانها ومواجهتها وحيداً، هذه التحديات لم تنته بمجرد مشاركتها مع الأهل والأصدقاء فهي لازالت تُقلق الشخص وتسبب له عدم ارتياح في جوانب مختلفة من جوانب حياته.

تكمن أهمية وجود شخص مختص بحياتك بكونك لست مضطراً لتكون شخصاً مصطنعاً تظهر فقط إيجابياتك. لأن علاقتك مع المرشد في الصميم هدفها بالأساس ان نشعرك بعدم الدينونة واحترامك كشخص على الرغم من اختلافك عن مرشدك في القيم والمبادئ والتوجه العام في سلوكك وحتى إيمانك مما يتيح المجال والبيئة المناسبة لتحقيق أهدافك وبلوغ التغيير المرجو في نفسيتك وكذلك علاقاتك مع الآخرين.

هدف الإرشاد هو مساعدة الفرد في تحديد الأمور التي يرغب في تحقيق التغيير فيها، تحديد المسائل المسببة في عدم شعور الفرد بتقبل نفسه أو الآخرين، التوصل لحل المشكلات التي يجابهها الفرد، وتأقلم الشخص مع ضغوطات العمل، العلاقات وكذلك تطوير مهارات الشخص لكي ينجح في تحقيق أهدافه.

لذلك فأنت لست مضطراً بعد الآن لتشعر بالألم بمفردك، فإذا كنت تعرف كيف تساعد نفسك، فأنت لست مضطراً حتى لقراءة هذا المقال، أو ربما أنت تقرأ المقال رغبة منك في مساعدة أشخاص مهمين في حياتك.

ولكن عندما لا تجد في نفسك والمحيطين بك مكاناً آمناً في تخطي مشكلتك لذلك فأنت مدعو معنا لاكتشاف عالم الإرشاد وتخطي عقبة الخوف من المجهول.


البحث عن السعادة

happiness2البحث عن السعادة هو جزء من حياتنا اليومية. السعادة تلك اللؤلؤة الباهظة الثمن التي إن وجدها شخص ما لباع كل ما يملك واقتناها.. كثيراً ما نعبر عن السعادة بأنها راحة البال أو الرضا والشكر أو هي حالة السلام والاطمئنان التي قلما وجدت في حياة معظمنا.

لا أعرف شخصاً حتى الآن لم يكلمني عن هذا الموضوع من قبل، وإن لم نتكلم به فنحن نسعى له ونتمناه ونحاول الوصول إليه.  هناك حقيقة علمية تؤكد أننا كلما سعينا لنيل السعادة كلما أضعنا فرص امتلاكها؛ فالسعادة ليست شيئاً واحدا، بل هي توفر بعض العوامل مجتمعة.

السعادة تكمن داخل ذواتنا وهي جزء لا يتجزأ من تكويننا.  أغلب الناس يفكرون بالسعادة بسطحية المشاعر التي تراودهم في مرحلة المراهقة،  تلك المشاعر التي يختبرها الشخص في مكان ما ومع شخص ما – ولا يريد أنه أن يستيقظ من حلم تلك المرحلة والأخطر من ذلك تصبح هذه المشاعر هي ما يقيس عليه الفرد حياته القادمة متوقعاً بأن الغد سيكون بتلك الصورة الوردية.

طبيعتنا البشرية تجعلنا نقيس الأمور بمقاييس مادية وهنا أقصد عبر حواسنا الخمسة.  لذلك يظن البعض أن وجود علاقة حميمة هي ما تجلب السعادة بينما البعض الآخر يرغب بامتلاك المزيد أملاً في تحقيق السعادة.

السعي الدائم لما يظن الناس بأنه السعادة أو تحقيق تلك الحالة من خلال الأشياء الخارجية ، يدفع بعض الناس إلى التورط في سلوكيات مدمرة مثل الإدمان وتناول الكحول أو حتى الانتقال من علاقة عاطفية لأخرى.


السعادة تنطلق لنظرة الإنسان الصحية عن ذاته، تقديره لما يمتلك.
السعادة قرار لا يأخذه آخر منك.

فالتعيس هو المتضرر الأول والسعيد في الاتجاه الآخر هو المستفيد الأول.

اhappinessلسعادة كما يعرفها علماء النفس هي القدرة على استقبال السرور دون الطمع بالمزيد وكذلك الفرح لفرح الآخرين ونجاحاتهم.

نخطئ كثيراً عندما نحاول عزل ما يجلب لنا خيبة الأمل ونحاول جاهدين قطع كل المصادر التي تسبب لنا الانزعاج سواء أشخاص أو ظروف معينة.  ظانين أننا بذلك نأمن لأنفسنا راحة البال والهدوء الذي نحتاجه .. مرة أخرى نحن نتصرف على أن السعادة أو حتى التعاسة هي في شخص ما أو موقف ما وبذلك نبقى في دائرة من البحث لا تنتهي إلا بالإحباط والقلق المستمر.

من غير المعقول أن نتعامل مع موضوع السعادة كما نتعامل مع الألم في الرأس اوالمعدة فنحن نريد أن نوقف الألم عن طريق أخذ الدواء متناسين حقيقة مهمة ألا وهي أننا في أغلب الأحيان نحاول فقط أنه نعالج الأعراض ولا نبحث عن المسببات.

لا تأتي السعادة باتباع وصفة جارك أو صديقك في العمل أو حتى ما اختبره والداك.  فلكل منا ظروفه الخاصة وإمكانياته وتجاربه الشخصية  التي تجعل منه شخصاً مختلفاً عن الآخرين.  فلا  يجب أن نتعامل مع السعادة بأنها مقياس واحد تناسب الجميع.  لكن هذا لا يعني أن ما يشاركنا به الآخرون عن أسباب سعادتهم وتجاربهم شيء يستهان به ولكنه قد يعكس فقط  نظرتهم للحياة وآراءهم الخاصة.

الانفتاح على الآخرين وعدم التمسك برأيك على أنه الأفضل والاستماع واحترام الآخرين يوفر البيئة الصحية ليكون الشخص متصالحاً مع ذاته وبالتالي يشعر بالرضا عن نفسه وهذا بالتأكيد ليس كأخذ حبة دواء بل إصرار على التغيير وملاحظة الذات.

الإيجابية وتقبل الأحداث بطريقة عقلانية وهنا لا أقصد تجاهل مشاعرنا ولكن إيجاد نوع من التوازن في رؤيتنا وتفسيرنا للأحداث حولنا بطريقة فعالة تحدث تغييراً أو على الأقل تبعث الأمل في التغيير.

السعادة تأتي من معرفتك لذاتك وتقبلك لنفسك بكل إمكانياتك وكذلك تقبلك للفشل وعدم التوقف عنده.

السعادة تكمن في مساعدة من حولك والانطلاق من ذاتك وعدم الاستسلام والتقوقع حول نفسك واحتياجاتك الشخصية إلى تلبية احتياجات الآخرين حولك.

السعادة سرٌ يعرفه من يستيقظ شاكراً ويُمسي راضياً.


جذور الثقة بالنفس (Confidence Roots)

rootsالثقة بالنفس أمر يحتاجه كل شخص فينا وتبدأ جذوره العميقة في طفولتنا. الطريقة التي تعامل بها أهالينا معنا، كلامهم، تعابير وجههم وحركة أجسادهم التي غالباً ما نستخف بأهميتها ودورها الكبير في إيصال رسائل إيجابية أو سلبية للمتلقي مهما كان عمره صغيرا.

ثقتنا بأنفسنا مرتبطة بأحداث وذكريات راسخة في عقولنا ومتخذه زوايا ثابتة في نفوسنا وقلوبنا.

الطريقة التي ننظر بها الى أنفسنا هي انعكاس مباشر للطريقة التي تلقيناها من معلمينا، أصدقائنا وكذلك رجال الدين وخصوصاً في الأوقات التي لم نكن على قدر توقعات هولاء الأشخاص وذلك لما يلعبه دور هؤلاء من دور أساسي في تكويننا النفسي والاجتماعي.

معظم الأهل يحبون أولادهم وإن اختلفت طريقة تعبيرهم عن تلك المحبة. الأهم هنا هل يشعر الطفل بأنه مفهوم من قبل أهله، فعلى سبيل المثال هل يشعر الأولاد بالأمان بمشاركة أهاليهم عما يشعروا به مهما كانت مشاعرهم وتجاربهم.

عندما لا يجد الطفل في مرحلة مبكرة من عمره مكاناً آمناً يلجأ إليه، يصبح فريسة سهلة للمجتمع الخارجي

، والأصعب من ذلك أن الطفل يتعلم منذ صغره أن عليه ان يتدبر أمره، فهو بذلك يفقد الشعور بالأمان داخل بيته وخارجه. وهذا يزرع في الطفل فكرة أن العالم مكان غير آمن لذلك تتأثر رؤيته لنفسه وفي الأغلب يتشوه مفهومه عن نفسه وقيمته.

على الأهل أن يتذكروا أهمية التواصل والحديث مع أبنائهم بطريقة تشجعهم على الكلام والتعبير عما يدور في نفسهم، وأبسط هذه الطرق هي التوقف عن إشعار الطفل بأنه السبب الرئيسي والمسؤول الأول عن كل الأخطاء التي تحصل في البيت.

مهم جداً أن يكون الأهل حساسين تجاه ما يتعرض له الطفل من احراج مع شخص ما وعلى الأغلب في محيط المَدرَسَة، وعليهم في هذه الحالة جعل الطفل يشعر بأن الأهل مقدرين لما يشعر به، ولا ينزلقون في مطب تحميل الطفل أكثر من طاقته بتجنب استخدام كلمات مثل ما أنت (زَلمَّة) أو أنت (رِجَّالْ) بالحقيقة هذا يزيد من تشويش الطفل ويفقده الثقة ليس فقط بنفسه بل بأهله كذاك.

كلمات مثل بسيطة أنت (قَدْهَا) أو “عادي ما خربت الدنيا ” هذه الكلمات تحمل للطفل رسالة واحدة فقط ألا وهي بأن مشاعره وآلامه غير مهمة عند الأهل .

2015.07.07على الأهل أن يلقوا الضوء والتركيز على مشاعر الطفل ويؤكدوا لهم بأنه يتفهموا ويشعروا معه وما مر به من استياء وإحراج في الموقف الذي تعرض له.

يحاول الأهل في أغلب الأحيان تجاهل أو التقليل من أهمية مشاعر أطفالهم؛ وذلك خوفاً من أن يكبر الطفل ويكون حساساً وغير قوي في مواجهة مصاعب الحياة وخصوصا إذا كان ذكرا، غير مقدّرين بأنهم بعملهم هذا يساهمون في خلق بيئة مناسبة لشخص مضطرب عاطفياً وغير قادر على توظيف إمكانياته في أن يكون شخصاً ناجحاً ذا تأثير على من حوله.

أحياناً يقتصر دور الأهل على إعطاء الأوامر لأولادهم، وهم يريدون من أولادهم التوقف عن ممارسة التصرفات الخاطئة، ولكن إذا أعطى الأهل أهمية أكبر لما يحاول طفلهم مشاركته معهم من إحباطات وضغوط أو حتى المواقف المفرحة التي اختبرها مع الأقارب والأصدقاء من الخارج فسيعمل ذلك تلقائياً على تغيير سلوكهم نحو الأفضل وبالتالي فإن الأهل يساهمون في زرع ثقة الطفل بنفسه من خلال إيصال رسالة مهمة جداً له بأنه مهم وأن ما يشعر به ويمر به في المواقف اليومية مهم كذلك.

“Read More”


ما هي حدودي وما هي حدود الآخرين؟ (Establishing Boundaries)

نفكر ونصور الشخص الجاهز لتلبية طلبات الناس حوله والذي يضحي بنفسه ووقته في سبيل إرضاء الآخرين على أنه شخص مثالي ونعتبر هذه الصفات إيجابية، وعلى النقيض منها أي عندما نرى الناس حولنا يرفضون مساعدتنا في تلبية احتياجاتنا ننعتهم بالأنانية والغرور. وفي الكثير من الأحيان نقول إنهم وضعوا حواجز بينهم وبين الآخرين وغالباً ما نعتبر الأمر سلبي.. كأن مثلاً أن تطلبي من جارتك أن تطرق بابك قبل الدخول فنراه أمرا محرجا وبعض الناس يعتبرون ذلك من أسباب الحفاظ على العلاقة القوية أو من السهل علينا أن نضع الحدود الجغرافية حول بيوتنا ومحلاتنا أو قطعة أرض نملكها ونتوقع من الجميع احترامها وعدم التعدي عليها. فهناك الكثير من القوانين التي تحفظ لنا هذه الحقوق، أما بالنسبة لوضع حد بيننا وبين الناس فهنا نتراجع تحت ضغوط عاداتنا وتقاليدنا التي هي في الأساس مبنية على أسس صحيحة ولكنها مع الوقت وقلة نضوجنا الفكري والاجتماعي، أصبحت ثقلا ومصدر إزعاج.

Barbed wire fence and poles

Can I find my boundaries?

فإذا قضينا وقتاً طويلاً وأكثر من اللازم في تلبية احتياجات الآخرين فلن يكون هناك وقت للاهتمام بأنفسنا واحتياجاتنا الشخصية.

لذلك فالأشخاص الذين يسعون دائماً لإرضاء الآخرين فإن مفهوم بناء الحدود بينهم وبين الآخرين غير واضح ومشوش، فهم في الغالب لا يعرفون أهمية ذلك وإن أدركوا وعرفوا أهمية وضع حد بينهم وبين الآخرين فهم لا يسعون إلى تغيير الأمر. وهذا السلوك مبني على عدة أسباب أهمها الخوف من خسارة أحبائهم وعلاقاتهم مع الأهل والأصدقاء، لذلك يبقى هؤلاء الأشخاص تحت تخدير مسميات دينية أو اجتماعية غير صحيحة.

خلال حديثي مع الناس عبر فترات زمنية مختلفة وجدتهم لا يبادرون إلى التعبير عن توقعاتهم ولا يصارحون من حولهم بما يزعجهم وبما يرغبون فعله أو حتى ما لا يرغبون بتقديمه لأنهم يتوقعون من ذلك الشخص أن يفهم حدوده ويحترم حدود الآخرين دون الكلام عنها والتعبير عنها. فغالباً ما أسمعهم يقولون المفروض والمنطق أن ذاك أو تلك يفهم أن ما يطلبه أو يفعله هو شيء غير صحيح وأنا لا أحتمله، وينسى هؤلاء أن أياماً وشهوراً وسنين كثيرة تمر على انزعاجهم وعدم قدرتهم على تلبية طلبات المستمعين حولهم دون أن يحصل تغيير. لذلك يبقى المستغل مستغلا وكذلك المتضرر متضرراً.

لذلك توقف وفكر لوهلة، فالذي تعتبره منطقياً وبديهياً قد لا يكون كذلك عند غيرك..

وتحملك لتصرفات الآخرين على مضض أو حتى استخدام عبارات التلميح وحتى “التلطيش” لن تساهم في بناء علاقة يسودها الانفتاح والاحترام المتبادل. ولأنك أنت المتضرر فأنت من عليك أن ترسم الحدود بينك وبين الآخرين.

خوفنا من المواجهة وعدم رغبتنا في الدخول في نزاع مع الآخرين يُضيع علينا الفرص التي بها يمكننا أن نكون صادقين مع أنفسنا ومع المحيطين بنا.

كل علاقة مبنية على الخوف ليست علاقة صحيحة وستكون نتيجتها خسارة لأحد الطرفين؛ فأحد الأشخاص يبقى مسيطراً متحكماً والآخر خائفاً فاقدا للشعور بالامتنان والتقدير وأنه مستغل من قبل الآخرين. لذلك إذا لم تبادر بحل مشكلتك ووضع حد للآخرين فلن تخسر احترامك لهم فقط بل أيضا احترامك لحدودك ونفسك أيضا.

 

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أقوال مأثورة: القلق (Worry)

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